sorry that I hurt you
by wallofcrazy
Summary: Her best friend didn't hate her. She didn't ruin their relationship. Everything was fine. ...Or was it? Post 5x06.


Hi, everyone. It's been a while, huh?

This wouldn't leave me alone, so…

Title is a line from Taylor Swift's Afterglow.

I apologize in advance for any and all mistakes. English isn't my first language.

* * *

"Kara?"

Lena's concerned voice greeted Kara as soon as she opened the sliding door to welcome her into the apartment. "Why are you flying around in… pajamas? Is everything alright?"

* * *

It was late. Kara didn't know exactly how late, but she knew it was past the time for impromptu social visits on a week day.

She hadn't been sleeping well these past few weeks. Ever since she told Lena, she'd been acting like everything was great because she wanted to believe things were great. She confessed her secret to Lena. Lena accepted it and promised they'd always be best friends. A weight was lifted from Kara's shoulders, a weight that proved to be an extremely heavy load, even for Supergirl herself.

Her best friend didn't hate her.

She didn't ruin their relationship.

Everything was fine.

Except there was this constricting feeling inside her chest that it made difficult to breathe at times, and a little voice in the back of her mind whispering things she didn't want to hear.

Everything was fine.

That's what she had been telling herself over and over. That's what she had been telling their friends Lena and she talked, they joked, they shared meals, and they hugged in greeting. If anyone else witnessed their interactions, they'd tell Kara she was crazy to consider something was out-of-place. Their actions seemed normal, but the emotional distance Kara felt was akin to those first few weeks after she met Lena. She could almost see the invisible barriers she worked so hard to break down years ago separating them.

No matter how loud her actions were, she couldn't mute the voice in her mind.

She couldn't go to bed another day without taking action. Even if it meant her entire world would be shattered again.

* * *

A loud sigh escaped her lips, "I don't know. Is it?" Kara spoke quietly as she entered the penthouse.

Kara didn't need super hearing to pick up on Lena's sharp inhale.

She felt her world start to crumble.

She filled her chest with the warm, familiar air in Lena's apartment and exhaled through pursed lips. She needed to do this. She owed it to herself. She owed it to Lena. She owed it to their friendship.

"That day night told me everything was fine… And you keep telling me with your actions that things are okay, but… I can't help this nagging feeling that things are not right. Am I… Am I wrong?" Her voice was small in the end, even though she tried so hard to maintain a composed approach.

She wanted to be wrong. She so desperately wanted to be laughed at, to be told that it was just guilty paranoia, that everything was indeed fine.

Lena turned her back to Kara and started to walk away towards the bar. She made a gesture to pick up a glass, but as quickly as she lifted her hand she brought it back down to rest on the counter top. Kara could see her shoulders shake for a split second. Lena breathed in deeply and tilted her face upwards. She was trying not to cry.

Kara felt a warm, lone tear running down on her cheek. She was itching to close the space between them and envelop Lena in a hug. Her friend was hurting and she had a big role in that, but she knew that's not something she should do in that moment, so she remained rooted on the spot Lena last saw her.

She was right.

That small voice in the back of her mind, the one she'd tried so hard to silence with the relief she felt about having finally disclosed the truth to Lena wasn't a delusion.

* * *

Kara knew betrayal. She knew how it felt. What it did to someone. When she found out the truth about her family she was devastated. Everything she thought she knew came crumbling down.

"Lena, say something. Please."

The silence she was met with only added to that.

Lena's eyes were glossy when she faced Kara again short seconds later. Seconds that seemed like hours. "You know, when I moved here," there was an indentation on her lower lip that wasn't there a couple of minutes ago, Kara noticed. "I was so determined to not have a personal relationship with anyone. It was all supposed to be strictly business. I broke up with Jack to come here and rebuild my family's company and name, to establish a positive association with," she paused. "Supergirl."

Kara tried to hold in a gasp. Those specifics about their break up were news to her. Lena let go of Jack then, and later she had to watch him die so Supergirl wouldn't. So Kara wouldn't die.

"But you, you carved your way into my life. You made me believe I could've… You made me believe I could have everything." Lena sat down and ran a hand through her hair. "I thought you were different. I let myself be convinced you were different. I let myself be happy again." Lena's features scrunched, the hurt was bare in her face.

"Lena-"

Lena held up a hand in a stop sign.

"You asked me if everything is alright, remember? The answer is no, Kara. You made a fool out of me." Lena's words cut right through Kara's impenetrable skin. "Every time I thought I was spending time with my best friend, opening up to you; every time I thought I was looking out for you, protecting you from explosions and bullets… You were just performing. When I saw the reel, I… You broke my trust. You broke my heart, Kara," her voice faltered when she spoke Kara's name.

Kara's heart clenched tightly and tears started to fall. She made her way to join Lena on the couch. Her head was spinning, she needed to sit down. "Wait. What reel?"

"I never thought you were going to tell me. You surprised me that day." Lena said instead of giving an answer.

"Lena, what reel?" Kara insisted.

Lena's jaw set for a few seconds. "Right after I shot Lex, just before his last breath he showed me a compilation of videos of you as Kara Danvers using your powers."

"No," Kara cried in a pained murmur. _She killed Lex?_ "You knew?" The thought of Lena killing her brother, the thought of her watching their interactions in that light made Kara's stomach churn and bile rise in her throat.

"Not from you." Lena's tone was matter-of-fact, the incision precise.

The air became thicker. Kara's lips quivered. "I am so, so sorry."

Lena's mouth twitched as she nodded. "You've said that."

Kara fought back the tears. "You don't believe me now and I don't blame you. But I am. It was never about our families' history, I promise you that. I've only told two other people about me. Everyone else who knows, it wasn't from me. What I ha-" Kara's voice caught in her throat and she gulped a sob. "What I ha-ve with you… You allow me to be just me. Kara. When people know, they treat me differently. It's not something they do consciously, I think, but it's there. I'm always Supergirl. It wasn't like that with you though." She managed a weak smile. "There wasn't expectation when a siren blasted through the city. I could stumble in my words, embarrass myself, I could be a movie nerd, a journalist, a friend."

Kara's tried to regulate her breathing before continuing. "Not telling you was eating me inside. I almost told you so many times, but I was so scared of losing what we have. Even more so, I was terrified of losing you, hurting you. Well," she threw her hand in the air in a self-deprecating way. "Look at that. All I did was to cause you pain anyway. And I can't bend time to my will, but if I could, I would in a heartbeat, or if I could just show you my own reel… Of all the times I almost did tell you, all the times I went against everyone because I believed, believe in you, because I trust you. Lena," Kara spoke her name in a strong way and then softened her tone all in one breath. "I trust you with my life. I always have. Every interaction we've ever had, that was all me. No performance. You are my favorite person alongside Alex. You," she pointed at Lena for emphasis, and a sob escaped. "You are my best friend."

Lena's tears broke the dam and fell freely now.

* * *

Kara ached because she couldn't offer the comfort she knew Lena needed. She extended her hand on the sofa anyway. Lena didn't take it.

"Do you, do you remember when Cadmus incriminated and kidnapped you? When you, when you saw me you were so surprised. I'll never forget that. You, you didn't think I'd come to rescue you, and I said Kara Danvers believed in you. This was true then, and it will stay true for as, for as long as I live, I promise you that."

The apartment was quiet, the city was surprisingly silent. It was probably later than Kara estimated. Kara could hear Lena's deliberate intakes of air trying to control her tears. Kara could hear her accelerated heartbeat, the way she wrung her fingers trying to find some pressure. Kara could hear the aftermath of all the pain she inflicted on the woman she calls her best friend.

She was also feeling as her own heart almost leapt out of her chest, she could sense the hastened, stilled thumps in her ears. Kara gasped for air, but it wasn't enough. It was a pressure so great she thought her ribs would impale her heart and lungs. She put one hand at the center of her chest in a futile attempt to alleviate the sensation. It didn't help. It was becoming impossible to breathe all the same.

She sensed some movement beside her, a light touch on her shoulder. She heard a soft, muffled, "Just breathe, honey. Just breathe, please."

She remembered to count between her inhales and exhales.

A couple of minutes passed.

She felt Lena's eyes studying her.

Kara regained some control of her breathing.

The pull in her chest was another story.

"I know, I know that, that keeping that part of me from you for so long was a mistake, but, but is there hope? For us, I mean. To rebuild what I d-?" Deep breath in. Hold. Exhale. Kara ran the exercise through her mind as she executed it a few times more. _Destroyed_. That's the word that came to the tip of her tongue. She could taste the sour trace it left. She didn't say it, though. She couldn't bring herself to say it. She couldn't bring herself to believe it. Not yet.

"It hurts so much right now." Lena collapsed against the back of the couch; her voice was hoarse. "I've punched you so many times in Andrea's vr simulator."

_I don't blame you_, Kara thought. "Did it make you feel better?"

"No." Lena seemed shocked by her own admission. She closed her eyes.

"Do you think punching the real me would make you feel better?" The words were out of Kara's mouth before she could really censor them.

Lena's eyes blinked in surprise. "How would breaking my hand make me feel better?"

"The DEO has this training room… My powers are depleted in there." Kara explained.

A look of realization crossed Lena's features. "I don't want to punch you, Kara. Not anymore, anyway. I did want you to hurt as bad as you've hurt me, though." Lena admitted. "Looking at you now… That's a look I've never seen in anyone who's ever betrayed me," she said, brows furrowed. "I've seen that look in my reflection in the mirror though," she pursed her lips. "I, I thought it would make me feel better, if you were hurting, but I'm just so tired of people hurting one another." Her tone exuded sorrow.

"What are you saying, Lena?" Kara mentally braced herself. She didn't know what Lena would say next, but she knew she needed to respect whatever decision she made for the time being. Even if it tore her apart even further.

"I'm-" She closed her eyes and massaged her forehead a few times. "I'm not saying things will be back to normal. Things can't be that way anymore," Lena shook her head. "We'll have to see what works, what will be our new normal. I'm not saying that I've already forgiven you either. But I, I will work on that." She was looking right into Kara's eyes as she spoke that last part.

Warmth washed over Kara's body. "You, you will?" Kara could hear the hope in her own voice and she adjusted herself on the seat. Her eyes shimmered with fresh unshed tears.

Lena gave her a short nod in lieu of a verbal answer.

Kara's mouth upturned in the smallest of movements. "It's all I ask." She nibbled on her bottom lip. "Can I-" Kara shook her head lightly when Lena's searching eyes met hers.

She wanted to ask for a hug. She ached for physical comfort. But she didn't think it was her place. _Not yet_, she tried to reassure herself.

Lena surveyed Kara for a few beats, her face was more relaxed, Kara noticed. "Kara?"

"It's nothing."

"If we're doing this," Lena tilted her head and arched a brow. "I need you to be as honest as one could be with me from this point forward." Her voice had a steady cadence and a gentle undertone.

Kara relented, "I, I need a hug."

"Oh."

Then she was quick to add, "But you don't have to. I'm telling you because you asked and I won't keep things from you anymore. I'll understand if you're not there yet."

Lena scooted over on the sofa closing the distance between them and in one swift motion se wrapped her arms around Kara.

* * *

Kara didn't know whose sob echoed first through Lena's living room, but they were both trembling in their embrace. She felt Lena clutching at her shirt.

"I am so, so sorry," Kara whimpered, pressing her face into Lena's neck.

Breathing was still hard, Kara still felt a pressure in her chest, but the comfort that embrace provided, the hope it instilled was enough for now.

"I know." Lena ran her thumb on Kara's back in a soothing gesture.

The pair stayed like that, just holding each other for a few more instants. Lena sniffled one last time before separating them. They repositioned themselves on the couch, their arms and thighs were still touching.

Lena fiddled with her own fingers for a little while. "I have something, some things, I need to tell you as well. You're not going to like them," she said, her eyes didn't meet Kara's.

Kara suspected Lena was up to something, and if her assumptions were right, it had to do with the journals she retrieved… _Stole… _For the woman beside her. But in that moment, she didn't care. "Can it wait until tomorrow?"

"If you'd like," Lena agreed. Kara felt Lena's shoulders move in a subtle shrug.

Kara also felt drained; she even did a quick check to make sure she still had her powers after they separated. Whatever it was Lena was going to tell her, it could wait another night. "I'd like to just be here like this for a while longer, if that's okay?"

Lena nodded, "Yeah."

Encouraged by Lena's answer, Kara rested her head on her friend's shoulder. "We'll be okay eventually, right?"

She felt Lena's cheek touch her head and her fingers intertwine with hers.

Kara exhaled.

* * *

I'd love to read your thoughts.

To my "Heartbeats" readers, I know, I know, and I'm sorry. I'm easing myself into writing it again. It's been a difficult year and a half. Your continued support through comments and messages is much appreciated. 3


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